My Craggy Island
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
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Currently
A Game of Thrones: A Song of Ice and Fire: Book One
By George R.R. Martin
see relatedHow many times do you think about the homeless? Really and truly? Do you care for them? Do you think they're failures? Drunks? Fuck ups? Unfortunate souls lost on their path? I think it all depends. Some are raving lunatics, lost to psychosis for one reason or another, and others are goddamn jerkass bums who deserve to be on the streets because dammit sometimes you fucking reap what you sow. Then there are those poor goddamn fucks who life just shits on, who didn't deserve the fate bestowed on them, who just end up in rags on a side of a freeway with a sign asking for money or help.
Most homeless believe in god, or would have you think they do, as they're either ranting and raving about him, or holding signs that all end with some differing version of the words "God Bless". Statistically there would have to be atheist homeless people out there, and i'd bet there are more than you'd think. I'd imagine losing everything around you would be pretty detrimental to your faith. So what are we talking about here, homelessness causing non-believers to become liars to gain sympathy from the public? Or is their change genuine? Does it swing both ways, or does it matter at all anyway, since they just want help or money regardless of what they believe in? I'm inclined to think the latter.
Personally, I tend to not help the homeless. They tend to skew too far into the usually crazy, mostly un-helpable group of folk. Most anyway. I'll always buy a hungry homeless woman something to eat, because I can never stand to see a woman suffer. I never give the men money. Most are drunks, who will say they need it for food, but will turn to spend it on another bottle to kill themselves with. Some argue that those are the guys who really need a drink, and on some days I agree. Most days though, I think they're better off without.
Today though, I saw a man who had the simplest, yet most effective sign i've ever seen, and even now as I sit in my home, in front of my computer, typing this I find myself still thinking about him, because his sign was so evocative and moving, that it reminded me of the power of language, the power of empathy, and of the human will.
His sign said "Just Hungry".
So I stopped, and gave him the remnants of my bag from El Pollo Loco. Like I needed the extra tortilla roll and sauce anyway. He thanked me, and went back to the road. I wonder if I meant anything to him. I wonder if I was just another person driving by, handing out a back of food for him to eat, just another meal, another day.They say you can really reach out and change someones life if you try hard enough for them. They talk miracle stories about people who turn other homeless peoples lives around, and give them a new hope, a new start. To him, I just gave him a snack, not even big enough to qualify for a proper lunch. To me though, he gave me something else, whether he meant to or not.
I'm not sure what it is. Perspective? All I know is he definitely isn't sitting around thinking about me at 12:03 am.
Just hungry. Yeah. I guess that's all it comes down to some days.
Fuck all the bullshit. I'm just hungry. Care about me. Please. Acknowledge me. I'm human. I live. I breathe. I am life.
But most of us ignore that.
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
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The other day I was in the car with Dorothy. She was driving, and I saw us pass a 7-11, and feeling the need for refreshment, went to inform her, by announcing out loud it's location. Normally this is accomplished through a series of electrical impulses sent through your brain, encoded into language and re-interpreted through your mouth muscles as noises, thusly vibrating the air and hitting her eardrums, where her brain would interpret the noise as language and this entire fiasco would be called "normal human communication."
Unfortunately, a synapse misfired or I was plagued with a similar fate as that poor news woman who may or may not have had a stroke live on air and started speaking gibberish that not even she knew the meaning of.
So what I meant to say, in my mind, was simple:
"Hey there's a 7-11 over there."
What instead came out was: "Hey there's a LOBSTER GATE."
Immediately as the words left my mouth, I was baffled and embarassed, and took much shunning and comeuppance for it, and it was all due, as my shame was much deserved. What puzzled me though, was why the ideas of 7 and 11 got mixed up with LOBSTER and GATE respectively. Until now I had no idea. Then I made a point to check my twitter, as I often do, and look back at my tweets and pretend i'm someone else and wonder how I would view my tweets and have it become this entire weird circular-back-tracking-out-of-body-outside-self review sort of thing. I came across an older tweet, where in a fit of bizarre thinking, I changed the lyrics to a song, by the Pixies, to another set of lyrics, spoofing it in a very stupid and barely laughable manner. The song itself was "This Monkey's Gone To Heaven", which is a fine song, and of course it got all fucked up in my head and I ended up changing one of the lyrics to this.
"If the shrimp is five, and the scallops are six,
and the scallops are six,
and the scallops are six,
and the scallops are six,
THEN LOBSTER IS SEVEN!"
and followed it with the hashtag #pixiesseafoodmenu. I told you it was stupid. But epiphany struck! SEVEN rhymes with ELEVEN, and rhymes with HEAVEN. So in my mind, somewhere the concepts of LOBSTER, SEVEN, and HEAVEN were all loosely related, stored in the stygian abyss that is my subconcious. So when reaching backward into the purile sludge of my mind, and finding the wrong file for the words SEVEN ELEVEN, they instead pulled out LOBSTER. And GATE.
Unfortunately, i've still no goddamn fucking clue about the Gate part. But fuck it.
Tuesday, 03 May 2011
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Currently
Dungeons & Dragons Player's Handbook
By Rob Heinsoo, Andy Collins, James Wyatt
see relatedOn Justice.
Listen, what we can all agree on, is that Hitler is dead. His death was a good thing. Because he murdered thousands of people, and killing him prevented thousands of other deaths. He was an evil, hate filled, vitriolic radical with a murderous agenda, and his reign was put to an end by his death. And while the Nazi regime didn't immediately end with his death, and even though nazis still exist today, his death was the searing of the Hydras' head that was his legacy. When you take out the top of an institution, you create a power vacuum, which creates tension and instability in that institution, and it is then more viable to be destroyed. While I wouldn't exactly compare Osama directly to Hitler, (since it tends to lessen the true impact of the actual atrocities committed during the Holocaust), the same impact, and rules towards an institution follow. I guarantee people in the day thought Hitlers death was as meaningless as others are saying Osamas is now, and I guarantee that time will show whose perspective is the relevant and culturally significant one. We all can agree, that violence only begets more violence, and killing is wrong, but there is always an exception to every rule. It's unfortunate that there isn't another way to deal with people like Osama, but this is the way the world is. Everything is a shade of gray, but some are definitely darker than others.
That being said, Fuck Osama.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
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Google Claims This Is A Funny Dog Face.
After hitting the enter key and seeing the search results I was immediately gripped. For some, the expression fanciful or mildly humorous, but all I could see were the eyes. The inhuman, dark bile boiling behind them, carrying a lifetime of sin and putrid sludge. The eyes peering into the vacant prosperity of every human soul, encapsulating everything around in it a crimson haze, projected literally through the iris of the dogs eyes. Gazing deeper and deeper into them, I see less of a dog, and more of the true dark form that lurks behind the seemingly innocuous visage covered in fur.
Those eyes. THOSE FUCKING EYES. LOOK AT THAT DOGS FUCKING EYES MAN.
LOOK.

AT.
THOSE.
FUCKING.
EYES.
Sunday, 03 April 2011
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Breaking Bad.
In a lot of ways, Breaking Bad is the best show on tv right now. Sure, the crime related parts of it are the main draw for most viewers, but that parts I find particularly interesting, are the smaller bits where the main character, Walter White, shows just how truly displeased and maddened he is with his life, which draws out and provides subtext as to why he chose to so drastically change his life. For those who haven't seen the show, it is about a chemistry teacher who is diagnosed with cancer, and decides to start cooking meth so as to leave a fortune behind for his family, after he passes.
Of course, what ends up happening, is far from what he intended, and we see Walter become a very very different man throughout the series. A telling quote though, is this;
"The man who invented the diamond. Alright. H. Tracy Hall - write this name down. Dr. Hall invented the first reproducable process for making synthetic diamonds. I mean, this is way back in the 50's. Now today, synthetic diamonds are used in oil drilling, electronics, multi-billion dollar industries. Now at the time, Dr. Hall worked for General Electric and he made them a fortune. I mean, incalcuable. You want to know how GE rewarded Dr. Hall? A $10 U.S. savings bond. [Walt becomes angry but calms himself] Anyway, a savings bond printed on carbon-based paper paid to a carbon-based man for something he made out of...carbon."
Only a chemist could find meaning about the lack of recognition and the malaise of life in a lecture about carbon. It's a brilliant show, that you absolutely should be watching.
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
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The One True God.
Eric had walked along the coast of the lake many times along the way home. He'd walked along it so many times in fact, that he never really batted an eye at it, or cared to take a second look at what he was really walking past. Of course, he could have no real suspicion that the lake was home to GLONG. THE ONE TRUE GOD.
So it came as quite a surprise when walking along, Eric saw a ripple in the surface of the lake, followed by a great gushing geyser of water bursting forth into the air, spewing gallons and gallons of water upward in a great plume, revealing a massive gelatinous creature, bright orange in color, with three huge horns, 18 eyes all of different sizes, 20 foot long feathered bat wings, a slimy probiscus with a human mouth at the end, and very small human arms, albeit very muscly and tanned.
"QUAFF HUMAN. BRING ME THE HEAD OF THE LAST OMNICORN."
Eric then quickly pulled out his ultimate nullifier, and shot GLONG, rendering his matter in all universes and planes inert and unexistent.
"Nigga, I AM THE LAST OMNICORN!" He said, and promptly tore off his man-flesh, and galloped away, neighing endlessly, all the while impaling ducks on his many horns.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
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Currently
Very Best of John Coltrane
By John Coltrane
see related3 Poems.
poetry is fucking stupid
any jerk can write a poem
so the lot of it is quite shit
yeah theres a few good ones
like yeats and shit
but look
i just think that its too fuckin easy
i mean
this shouldn't even count
should
it?
I want a sandwich.
Maybe like a turkey club?
See this is bullshit.
I'll try to make this one rhyme.
I used to do this one all the time.
Like just have the words all end in "ime"
Somehow i'd use the word lime.
Or something else, like mime.
Then i'd abandon the rhyming scheme and say fuck it.
Orange.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
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Currently
XX
By The XX
see relatedSeeing/Believing
It was a ponderous discovery, one that when made, took away the last sparkling glimmer of wonder from the world. As if all magic and doubt were suddenly traded away for logic and reason, forever splitting the societial bridge between those with faith, and those who demanded extraordinary proof for extraordinary claims. It's effect was anathema to nearly all religious and spiritual groups, and it's findings a final scientific explanation to thousands of years of hearsay, myth, rumor, conjecture and anecdotal sightings. A discovery as important as it was controversial. Simply put; that which we believe to be sightings of ghosts, entities, or any form of walking spirit, is nothing more than a mere magnetic recording. The way grooves on plastic can trap sound, so did it in turn, capture energy, images and sound itself, in the magnetic field of the Earth. One scientist described it as the world being a large hard disk, with many files randomly being saved, and played back at differing intervals. Some happy, some sad, some mean, some nice, some safe, some dangerous.
But none of this affected Natalia. She too, was surprised to hear the news of the Great Discovery at first, but not being a very religious person herself, found it an interesting footnote in the otherwise very busy bustle of her life. That all changed three weeks later however, when her grandfather passed away. A sudden and shocking death, as he was in the prime of health for a man in his age. The cause of death was later found to be a freak defect, a bloodclot that formed and lodged itself in his brain, killing him in his sleep. Natalia was crushed, as she had spent many years of her life, being raised by her Grandfather and her Grandmother. Having never really known her parents, what with her father leaving her to her grandparents as a child, and her mother having passed away during childbirth.
It was a week to the day after his death, that she first saw her Grandfather again. She stepped out of the shower, wrapping her towel against her body, toothbrush in mouth, and took a half step backwards when she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head and there he was. Translucent, but not white or ghostly in the illustrative sense, simply half there, half not there. He looked at her, and smiled. Natalia felt a rush of blood to her head, and stumbled backward out of the bathroom, and onto her bed, coming to a seat. She was overwhelmed by emotion, as her mind began to race with thought. Her grandfather chuckled a bit, and went to sit down across from her, on her makeup chair next to her vanity.
"Oh I'm sorry Darlin' where are my manners? I'll let you get dressed." He said, and walked through the wall into the living room.
Natalia sat for a moment, dumbfounded. She thought and remembered how they said ghosts are just recordings now, and nothing special. She tried to remember any time where her Grandpa ever accidentally caught her after a shower and drew a blank. She thought surely, it had to have happened before, that's how it works. She threw on a shirt and some shorts and walked into the kitchen, down the hallway from the living room, and started to panic when she saw him still standing there in the living room, looking out the window.
"It's a beautiful day out today." He said, turning back to her.
Natalia thought of what to say. Her first instinct was to second guess it. To tell it it wasn't real, and to try to push it out of her space of mind, and make it go away. She looked at him, his old wrinkled smile lines curling up his cheeks, his classic smirk matched by his arched brow. It was that same old face he made to her as a child to make her laugh, the one he made to let her know that everything was alright, and that the day was always ready to be seized. She kept telling herself, over and over;
It's not him. It's not him. It's like a record. Just energy. Just another natural phenomena like the Northern Lights.
But it was him. To her.
She had missed him so much. His death hit her like a load of bricks, and here he was, for better or for worse. She thought herself crazy for even thinking of it, much less than doing it, but she did anyway.
"It is a nice day out today isn't it Pop Pop?" She said, with a quiver in her lip, and a budding tear in her eye.
He walked over and sat down at the kitchen table next to her.
"Sure is. They tell me it's gonna be sunny like this all week long." He said, cheerfully.
"Wh... Who tells you?"
"Don't be silly Darlin'."
"The... the weatherman?"
He laughed, and reached over towards and tapped her on the edge of her nose. A gesture he often used when she was young, to let her know to, well, stop being silly. She felt his finger when he touched her. It was cold, but not to the touch. The way a mint feels cold in your mouth, was the only way to describe it.
"Pop pop... why are you here?" She asked.
He smiled.
"What are you doing here? Are you... even real? I don't... I don't understand."
"I know. Things are rough all over aren't they? But you have to sit for a moment and remember to enjoy days like these you know? A lot of people forget to take a moment and really, truly, and actually stop and smell the roses. You know what I mean?"
"Pop pop, I..." She stammered.
"It's okay Darlin'. It always will be. I promise." He said, looking wistful.
Natalia began to well up inside. There was no way he could actually be talking to her.
It has to all be a recording right,? Pieces? Snippets of conversations past and forgotten? Is this how it worked?
Natalia looked visibly distressed, as tears began to stream down her face.
"You worry too much Darlin'. Gosh I hate to say it, but I gotta get going if I mean to get anything else done today, especially on a fine day like this!" He said.
Natalia noticed how he began to become slightly more translucent, and seemed to be fading away. In a panic, she blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"I love you!" Natalia said, bursting into tears.
"I love you too, you know? Never forget that." He said, arms spread inviting a hug.
"I wont!" She sobbed, as she went in to hug him for the last time, and felt a quick brush of cold all over her body. Not a bad cold, but a soothing, comforting, cooling cold. There was no give though, no body to grab onto, and as she opened her eyes saw she was holding empty air.
Natalia put on her makeup, styled up her hair, picked out her outfit, and grabbed her keys and purse. She was shocked, and emotionally wrung, but inside, a part of her, felt better. Felt closure. Felt right.
As Natalia walked over to put her bag in the trunk of the car, she stopped and saw a small geranium flower growing out of her neighbors yard. She never really noticed it before, and was unsure as to when they planted it. She closed the trunk, and took leaned over to it, and inhaled.
It's scent was floral and sweet.
She thought;
It is a nice day today.
Tuesday, 08 March 2011
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Killing Myself.
Sometimes I sit there in my bathroom, with the razor and think about everything that would happen If I actually did it. If I actually used it to open up my veins and then just sat down in the shower and watched my blood pool. I think about how my last thought would probably be how it hurts to sit down in a stand up shower, or about how my legs would probably start to fall asleep, and how stupid that is because soon most of the blood would be out of them anyway. I think about if I would leave a note or not. I think probably not, because every time i've started to write the note in the past, I eventually chicken out and just end up crying a lot and hating myself more. I start to think about how I would be found, and who would find me. It'd probably be my mother, and she'd probably call 911 and try to bandage my wounds herself, being a nurse and all. She'd then probably call Dorothy for help, or maybe she'd call my sister first, to tell her. My sister would probably call my Dad. I bet they'd all meet up at the hospital and wait to hear if I could be revived.
I think about who would have to make the call to my work, and tell them "Oh yeah, Adam can't come in anymore, because he killed himself." I find it darkly humorous, but then saddening, because nobody there would really care, since they don't know me at that place yet. And yes, of course, I think about how it would be perceived here on xanga, or more accurately facebook. The first person to know, would probably be dan aka Drakonskyr. He'd probably write some half sad half nonchalant remark that expresses his usual dry devil may care attitude towards life, and just drink even more than he already does. Or maybe less. He's unpredictable that way. I wonder how people like Raquel (callmequell) or Bekka (milfncookies/chocolatecoveredkittens) would react. I know they'd both be shocked, and maybe sad for a day, but in reality it would probably just come as a big bummer to them, and nothing more. Lena (itswhateyeknow), might write some kind of eulogizing post about me. Or maybe not. Either way, i'm sure she'd be bothered, but no more than reason. I don't blame them. It's not like I should expect them to anyway. But I still think about it.
I'd probably start to panic towards the end, maybe get up and try to look at myself in the mirror, to see if I was paler. That would be the point where I'd have to make the committment. Either yell for help, or sit the fuck back down and die. I know myself, I know i'm a coward, and would yell. I know I wouldn't want to traumatize anyone by having them see me with wrists slit, walking towards them, crying and pleading for help and foregiveness. So instead I start writing a note, because if you're gonna kill yourself, you better damn leave a note.
I've written 3 notes. Three whole notes, two long, one short. One where I addressed every person I cared about, explained how I felt and apologized, and told each one of them that I loved them and ultimately what my last wishes were. Some of the paragraphs were fairly simple, just a quick i'm sorry, followed with a brief I love you, and that was that. Others of course, obviously were longer passages, because I simply had more to say. When you're writing your last words, you suddenly find it prudent to get every last fucking thing out.
Another note I wrote, was also just as long, but didn't say everything the other did. I left stuff out. I plainly lied in some cases. I pondered the idea of leaving certain things about my death mysterious, as if that would somehow make me special or memorable. Thinking, that maybe somebody would be able to pick up the pieces, find the clues and solve the puzzle of why I did it. Then I realized it would be fairly obvious to anyone who knew me, and there was no point in making my last words a fucking lie anyway, to anyone who didn't know me that well it would be all they'd have to go on, and I decided that was unfair.
The last note, the shortest one, the one I wrote a month ago, the one that I almost used just had 3 words, because I knew they were the truest feelings I would feel, right up until everything would go dark.
"I'm sorry Dorothy."
But of course, even writing that has it's repercussions. The second you leave one name in your last note, well, for better or for worse, you single that person out for everyone else in your life to blame, unfairly or not. They'll never live it down. Ever.
And I just couldn't do that. Not to her. It's a shame because it's really the purest thought, the purest form of communication there is.
Words, for all their worth, for all the thousands out there to express your feelings, will always be limiting. Nothing can reach and make our thoughts alive, not the way we feel them. Words can try, they can get you a tangible grasp on it, and sometimes even convey them damn well, but sometimes, there are no words. No words, other than:
i
am
sorry.
This is not a suicide note.
But I wish it was.
Saturday, 05 March 2011
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Currently
L.A. Woman
By Doors
see relatedI want this to mean something.
Mean something. Mean SOMETHING.
The words come out, and what the fuck do they mean? To you?
I don't know. I can't. I'm not you.
Sometimes I stay silent because I have too much to say.
Sometimes I say what I can, choosing everything very carefully.
I don't know what it is to speak freely, or say what I'm thinking anymore.
My words don't mean anything.
They don't.
This means nothing.
Ignore it.
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Pulse
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Kill yourself. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. DO IT. No wait don't. Nevermind. Fuck. Ass.
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EAT PEARS
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I get a disturbing amount of hits from readers in The Russian Federation, and Germans LOVE my entry on The Torture Game. Horrifying.
cheesebadger
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- Name: Adam
- Location: California
- Gender: Male
- Member Since: 10/31/2003
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About Me
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30% Glycol propelene, 9% potassium benzoate, 40% distilled water, 10% C.H.U.D, 10% Non Flammable Natural Propellent, 1% ethanol weight by volume
"Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony."
-Lou Reed
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